When Birth Didn't Go As Planned

From the moment we find out we are expecting a precious child created in God’s image, we start planning.

We plan the nursery, we choose a name... we imagine what life will be like with a little one in tow. 

Our plans rarely include birth, but fast-forward to the part where we have a sweet baby in our arms.

Yet even if we do have a birth plan, there is absolutely no guarantee things will go according to the plan.

We might have planned for an all-natural birth, and had to have a C-Section. Or we might have planned for a home-birth but the baby had dreams of being delivered in the car.

There might have been a birth injury.

The people around you might say: "just be thankful that ________"

And you might think, why am I grieving this loss? Should I be thankful?

It's too bad that you're feeling this way - like you can't grieve. You should feel free to mourn and grow from this experience without people telling you to just "move on already".

For a woman who just went through a life-changing experience, when these expectations (small or large) are shattered, it can leave her reeling and looking for answers.

There is a Biblical way to deal with this loss.

See also: How to Parent Well Through Stress

How do we deal with an unexpected birth outcome?

We do what David and the psalmist taught us: we grieve. 

There is a time for everything (Ecc. 3) and there is a natural human response to what comes in life, too. 

Mourning, or grief, and dancing, or thanks, are all expected in this life. 

It only does us more harm if we try to shove the memories and prior expectations away - instead, we meet them where we are, and this causes us to grieve. 

Yet this doesn’t mean that we fail to see God at work in it - rather, we see His fingerprints all over it.

We grieve the loss of the birth we wanted, while being thankful for the birth that happened.

Yes, this coexistence is very possible - even more so as women of faith. Just read through the psalms and you will see a resounding theme - a juxtaposition of grief and thanks in the same breath.

Yes - God created these emotions - He is not surprised! He knew this would happen, so we shouldn’t feel ashamed of these feelings. 

Moreover, We shouldn’t shy away from taking the time to reflect on our birth story because it didn’t go as planned.

Rather, it may be even more important to do so, in order to remedy our view of faith and God’s sovereignty over the unexpected in our lives. 

While childbirth itself is inevitable, what happens during it is ultimately unexpected, as there is no way to know how it will unfold. 

Life doesn't go as planned.

This is even more true for childbirth: Each birth is unique to the mom and baby involved, as well as many other factors - no two births are alike.

As mothers of faith, we can accept this reality, and choose to grieve the unexpected birth outcome, rather than cling tightly to our plans gone awry, ultimately creating contempt in our hearts.

And once we grieve, we give thanks to God for His sovereignty in our birth story.

The unexpected becomes the undeniable: a birth that didn’t go as planned, becomes the birth in which we see God’s right hand keeping us safe - because He walks before us and prepares a way.

Just because we can’t predict the future, no matter how many plans we make, no matter how well-intentioned they are, doesn’t mean that we can’t also come to rest in God’s grace for us. And yes - even when birth doesn’t go as planned, we can see God’s grace as He ultimately, through it, made a way: We see this grace in our baby, fresh from Him.

And for the bereaved mother?

She still sees this grace - in the face of Jesus; Further, in community, in love in action, in her neighbors becoming the hands and feet of Christ in a time she so desperately needs Him. 

If you are grieving the passing of a child either before or after full-term birth, I am sorry for your loss. Give yourself time, and let me know how I can pray for you.

In Christ, you can find a gentle guide, a shepherd who comes alongside us through all the pain of life.

See also: Mothering From the Pit of Depression

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