How to be a better friend to the woman waiting for kids

I don't have kids yet.

I don't have kids, but I want to be friends with you.

It's hard not to notice how much fun “Mom Tribes” have together and I want to have fun too. Even though I don’t have a kid to bring to a playdate, let’s focus on how else we can connect. It’s okay that I can’t connect to you as a mom. I connect to you as a woman, as a Christian, and probably in many other ways too.

As a caveat, everything I’m writing is from my own perspective as a married woman who is looking forward to having children soon. Please, please, please, use these ideas lightly making sure that they actually apply with those with whom you engage in relationship. 

1. Don’t assume I don’t want to hang out with your kids.

I know you have kids. I like you and I probably like your kids too. Let’s be flexible. I understand that you have needs to meet beyond your own. I know that kids are like, 120% of your life, so when you share your time with me, let’s be flexible.

When we come together, I’m not asking you to give me an image of anything that doesn’t reflect who you are. Being a mom is part of who you are, and I want to get to know that part of you too.

Coffee on a park bench while your kids play at the playground? Perfect. Me joining your fam for dinner? Love it. Any excuse to get frozen yogurt is a good excuse, and I know your kids like frozen yogurt. I’ve been to restaurants plenty of time with my friends’ kids and honestly, I don’t even mind sitting next to them! As long as you’re the responsible parent I know you are, and if I’m the kind of friend I should be, I don’t mind having your kids around.

It is, however, really helpful when you’re aware of how much you talk about your kids. But if we’re in a group of moms and non-moms, I also want you to have that safe space to share ideas. PLUS, I’m listening too! It is helpful for me to hear how to shower my own children with love and discipline by learning from your example.

One-on-one time with you is special and I know you need that break, which is why we’re going to be flexible in this relationship. Sometimes kids are part of the picture when we spend time together and sometimes our womanhood has space to breath as an individual (hello, girl’s night!).

2. Do clarify my ideas about having kids of my own.

We can save both ourselves from heartache by clarifying these expectations early on, which goes for more relationships than just moms and non-moms.

Just ask. Things could be so much easier (most of the time) if expectations were just out in the open.

I have someone in my life with whom I talk pretty often and I noticed recently that she usually said, “If you and your husband have kids...” I also noticed that this started to bother me. When Caleb and I get to having kids, it might take a few more steps than the average couple. (Thank goodness for science when the regular old Adam-and-Eve way might not work.) For me, it was bothersome for her to add that word if because of how passionate I am about being a wife and a mom as part of my identity of who God made me to be. This is what I’ve wanted to be for as long as I can remember

So I asked her about it. I asked that she start saying “when” we have kids. She opened up to me that she didn’t want to me feel pressured and didn’t want to set any expectations on me (especially since she had similar expectations and pressure herself). We were able to talk comfortably about how I already have anxiety with the timeline and the process of having my own kids. When instead of if makes me feel an extra little bit of support, encouraging me in the dream of having a family even though God has said, “Not yet.”

I would encourage you to clarify. Just ask. “Is having kids something you desire in your future?” Clear expectations helps us avoid some uncomfortableness. If you’re friends with me, please, say, “when you have kids…” That is something I am looking forward to so, so much. This gives me encouragement to keep praying and pushing, no matter how long or difficult my journey is to becoming a mom.

For those women (and men) who don’t want to have kids, maybe say “if”. Or use more comfortable language like “nieces and nephews” so everyone feels accepted no matter what their ideal picture of family looks like.

See also: What does it mean to offer God a "Sacrifice of Praise"?

3. Don’t worry about keeping your home tidy.

I don’t care how messy your house is. It’s comforting to me to see a sink of dirty dishes, toys on the floor, and homeschooling materials spread across the coffee table. That’s what my life was like growing up. That mess tells me that who you are throughout the day is who are with me too. I’m looking to you as an example of Christian motherhood and if everything is perfect, I might have a skewed picture to which I compare myself.

TBH, my house probably looks similar to yours. Everyone in my household right now is old enough to understand they need to be picking up after themselves (and yet, at this very moment, clothing is littering the bedroom floor). 

Probably, your house isn’t perfect because you spent time today doing things that were way more important. Loving your kids. Pick-ups and drop-offs so you can greet those kiddos the moment they get out of school. My family had 4 kids, 3 schools, 3 different soccer teams and 2 different youth group times -- I know how busy life can get. 

There’s a lovely woman in my life that has led me through many stages of my Christian walk. Every time I mention to her that I look up to her or that she’s my role model, she reminds me that she isn’t perfect. You know why her living room is neat when I come over? There’s a closet under the stairs that the kids can toss their toys into for an easy clean up. I’ve seen dirty dishes in her sink. I’ve seen her kids act out. And those details give me a more accurate picture of Christlike life than the neat and tidy household would.

I don’t want you to feel like you have to carry the burden of being perfect for me, because it also gives me the opportunity to not be perfect for you. The perfect womanhood, hospitality, homemaker version of you is not who I came to see.

See also: Finding Friends In the Lonely Trenches of Motherhood

4. Do take the time to find out what my love language is.

Love languages go beyond any other kind of connection we can make as a human being. As soon as we know this, we know exactly how to love each other best.

There is a friend back in Spokane I was particularly sad to move away from because she took this step with me in the last several months we lived in the same city. We had a conversation in our small group about love languages. When she found out that my love language is physical touch, she gave me a hug every time we greeted and every time we parted.

That meant more to me than anything else she could have done.

I’m very blessed that my husband is a snuggly man (and that God gave me a husband). But if you have friends that are single or a single parents you know, and their love language is physical touch, sometimes we just long for a hug. That’s something I miss about living closer to my mom. She just gives the BEST hugs.

When someone learns about my love language, it’s the best thing they could do to learn how to love me best. If your friend’s love language is gifts, pay for their coffee next time. Provide dinner. Acts of service? Offer to pick up anything your friend needs at the grocery store. 

When we learn these things about each other, when we know the love languages, the expectations, the preferences of our mom-friends and non-mom friends alike, we can arrange the perspective of our relationship in a way that’s mutually beneficial. 

Mom-friends, I love you.

Yours,

Non-moms everywhere

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