Please don't tell struggling moms to "enjoy every moment".
A stranger at the grocery store asked me if my baby was an easy baby. I told her the truth: no. As if she couldn't tell from my baby's increasing fusses. I felt wrong for even saying it, but it was the truth. My baby isn't an easy baby. My toddler isn't an easy toddler right now, either.
She told me: "enjoy every moment."
I felt guilty.It feels like it's wrong to say: "I don't know if I'm cut out for this motherhood thing... and I literally have a parenting blog."
It isn't just strangers, though.When I do open up about my struggle to older sisters in Christ, I will sometimes hear:
"Enjoy every moment."
It isn't just me. It happens to moms all around the world. Well-meaning but perhaps slightly insensitive people at the grocery store (or at a family reunion... or church) will take this moment of honesty from a struggling mom, and try to encourage them to try to enjoy every moment.Because there's nothing quite like giving a struggling, hormonal woman unsolicited advice.
Here's where I get personal again.
In my colicky baby season, when I hear this, I can't help but think to myself: Enjoy what? I should enjoy when her screams are shredding my eardrums? I should enjoy the pain of not knowing how to help my obviously uncomfortable child? I should enjoy going to the doctor, getting a meaningless diagnosis, then going to the pharmacy to have the pharmacist tell you confidentially that she wouldn't feel comfortable giving this medicine to a newborn?And with my dear sweet toddler... Enjoy what? It used to be just me and him, and now that relationship is strained. He doesn't know how to act, and neither do I. He's acting out and regressing and I am lost. Do I discipline him or cover him in hugs and kisses? And I don't have time do either, because as soon as I put his sister down, she's screaming again.Sigh.Let this serve as a reminder to my future self: if I'm blessed enough to reach old age and wear those rose-colored glasses that come with social security benefits, I cannot allow myself to discount someone else's struggles just because I miss them.
What if I don't enjoy every moment?
I know I will idealize my sweet daughter's babyhood just as I did with my son's. He was colicky too... and I look back and I remember his baby soft skin, his sweet coos, and his perfect, chubby toes.But I didn't enjoy every moment of his infancy. I remember his screams and his hurts, too. I remember the nights that he would only stay asleep if I walked all around our studio apartment... all night long.
Please don't tell me to enjoy every momentHonestly? It feels like a well-meaning guilt trip
It may not be your intention, but I feel guilty. Maybe I made a mistake by opening up to you... because while I nod my head and agree that "yes I should enjoy every moment", I can't help but think.. it isn't wrong to go through difficulties.It's okay to struggle with any season of life you are in. You are allowed to do so. In fact, these are the seasons of life that grow you the most as a follower of Christ.The only time that you're growing is when you're uncomfortable.
We all want our lives to be full of mountaintop experiences... those moments when we look out at our lives, relationships, and surroundings, and say: "WOW! God is so good!" And we all have those times as Christians at least occasionally. But Christians are called to walk through the valleys too. You might be walking through a valley right now.Have you ever compared a mountain and a valley? The valleys are where everything grows. Yes, there's some shadows. But growth happens in the valleys. You can't live on the mountaintops... the oxygen is spotty. Trees don't even try to live up there.Motherhood isn't constantly a mountaintop experience. It's a hike.See also: Self-Care for Christian Moms; Smart or Selfish?
Jesus as a Hiking Guide
I remind myself... It isn't just infancy that's hard. Motherhood is just... hard.In those hard times of motherhood, when you're finding your way, when you and your baby are trying to figure each other out, and your toddler is testing the boundaries, and when your 4th grade kid is being bullied, and your teenager is trying adulthood on for size... and when your young adult leaves the nest and you're left with this enormous empty feeling... it's just hard.Probably impossible. Totally heart-breaking.And that's okay.In the valleys, don't forget you have a Perfect Hiking Guide. Rest in the hard times. Allow yourself to grow through those painful times. Allow the Holy Spirit to work in your life and change you from the inside out.
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Here's what to say instead
Please don't tell that struggling mom to enjoy every moment.Tell her it's okay to struggle and that sometimes motherhood is hard.Or maybe tell her that your baby screamed for hours on end too, and now they are a successful adult and they don't scream like that anymore.Tell her to allow Jesus to teach her. That Jesus is humble and gentle of heart. Tell her she'll find rest for her soul when she abides in Him. Especially in the valleys.Or maybe say: "Would it be okay if I brought dinner?"
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